what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
