went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
