all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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