***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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