mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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