You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
