Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
