i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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