Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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