Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize