Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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