Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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