guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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