you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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