Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
