please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Randomize
