I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
