My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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