I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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