my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
