just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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