Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
