dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
