Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
