he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
