And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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