So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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