Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
