Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
