The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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