Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish you could order shots online.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
be right there i have to get my cape
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
