Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize