She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
