Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
