A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
