I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
