How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize