haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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