Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
