My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
