someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
