the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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