Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
