no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
