I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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