I haven't been this sober since birth.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
