I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
