I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
