I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
