i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
