look no pants
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
