i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
