The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Randomize
