i love accidental penises.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
