The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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