I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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