There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
