Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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