textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize