i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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