I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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