i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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