Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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